You asked me if I loved you
And I choked on my reply
I rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
To see the real you

It was but yesterday we met in a dream.

You have sung to me in my aloneness,

And I of your longings have built a tower in the sky.

But now our sleep has fled and our dream

Is over, and it is no longer dawn.

The noontide is upon us and our half waking

Has turned to fuller day, and we must part.

If in the twilight of memory we should

Meet once more, we shall speak again together

And you shall sing to me a deeper song,

And if our hands should meet in another

Dream we shall build another tower in the sky.

The Prophet

Kahil Gibran

If you say to me “How are you going?” with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.

I reply “I’m fine” and brush you off, because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don’t mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts, I think you don’t care enough,

Or are too scared to mention it for fear that you might upset me.

You can’t win with me.

If you say “I’m sorry your baby died,” it is hard for me to reply to that.

What do you expect me to say?

I want to say “I’m sorry too!’ or “It’s awful”

I want to scream “It’s not fair”

But I won’t because I don’t want to upset myself today, not in front of you.

So I reply “Thank you”

That thanks means so much more than that.

It means thanks for caring, thanks for trying to help, thanks for realising that I’m still in pain.

If you don’t know what to say to me that’s okay because I don’t know what to say to you either.

If you see me smile or laugh don’t assume I must have forgotten my baby for the moment,

I haven’t, I can’t, I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.

I will know what you mean.

I’m getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.

If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.

Today might be an anniversary day for me, or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.

If you don’t say anything I’ll think you don’t care about me, but if you do say something, if might make me feel worse.

You could try asking if I want to talk, but don’t be surprised if I say no.

You can’t win with me.

Don’t give up on me, please don’t give up.

I need you attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are.

I need you thoughts

I need your prayers

I need your love

I need your persistence.

I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally, like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know that is impossible.

That carefree, naïve person is gone forever, and I am mourning that loss too.

So you can’t win with me.

Dearest Mummy

When you wonder the meaning of life and love

Know that I am with you

Close your eyes and feel me kissing you

In the gentle breeze across your cheek

When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again

Quiet your mind and hear me

I am in the whisper of the heavens

Speaking of your love

When you lose your identity

When you question who you are and where you are going

Open your heart and see me

I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you

Lighting the path for your journey

 When you awaken each morning not remembering your dreams

 But feeling content and serene

 Know that I was with you

 Filling your nights with thoughts of me

 When you linger in the remnant pain

 Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar

 Think of me

Know that I am with you

 Touching you through shared tears of a gentle friend

 Easing the pain

 As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky

In that breathtaking brilliance, awaken your spirit

Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant

When you were certain of us together

When you were certain of your destiny

Know that God created that moment in time

 Just for us

I am with you always.

I remember his life, Happy expectation Soft gentle kicks Playful leaps and somersaults

 I remember his death, Silent Still Cold

 I remember his death, His sweet nose His eyelids closed forever His darling little mouth

 I remember his funeral Dazed Disbelieving Numb Desperately wanting him back

 I remember the anguish of the early days without him

 Sleepless nights and meaningless days

Merging with tears and more tears Pain and yet more pain

I remember learning to live without him Emptiness, darkness, despair

Tears on Mother's day Hopeless Christmas

And  the terrible pain on his first birthday

 I remember him still I realise the enormous impact that his life has had on mine

 I know I am a changed person because of him

I am now aware of the many positive things that he brought to my life But…. I would give up all these things

 If only I could have him and not have to remember him.

Because of You

Sometimes life hurts so badly

I wish I wasn't part of it.

Sometimes I wonder how God

can put me through this pain.

Sometimes I wish you would

have never come into my life.

Sometimes I think

the heartache will never end.

AND sometimes I feel so sad

all I can do is cry.

BUT because of you

I am a different person.

Because of you

I've learned how precious life is.

Because of you

I know the love I am capable of feeling.

AND because of you

I am a very special mother.